ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
