i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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