so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
