i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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