You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have fence marks all over my body
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
