I want to have your abortion
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
