There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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