I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
