How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
