Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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