she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
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She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
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Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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