my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
