Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
