worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
