i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have fence marks all over my body
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I am naked and annoyed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
