I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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