Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
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btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
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He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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