What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
