I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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