Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
