Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
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It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
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She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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