i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
