I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
