i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
