I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
