don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
