He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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