Someone shit on the floor
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
