So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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