Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
