I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
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I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
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So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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