if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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