I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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