I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
