Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
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We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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