What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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