Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
