my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
