My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
