i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
