if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
