i just sent this text using only my big toe
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
