roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
