fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
