Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
