A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
