Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
