I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
