Define "chronic" masturbator.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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