he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
