Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
