Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
the day after is always just damage control
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
