Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
