your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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