just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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