The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
