Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
